In search of normality
During the last few months, I have witnessed most of the things in my life get turned upside down. What I considered safe turned to be potentially damaging, what I considered to be secure showed itself to be not really trustworthy. What I considered comfortable and good, became risky, and life became a walk on the tightrope. With baby steps, my world has recovered a look of normality. The wheels stopped turning, the ground looks firmer to step on. I should be feeling safe.
I have been longing to recover my sense of normality. Let me try to explain what I consider "normality". It would be something like routine, with all the good and bad things routine implies, with the obvious expectations fulfilled, not contradicted. Normal would be having a friend behaving like a friend and having a person who doesn't really like me behaving like a person that doesn't really like and not the other way around. The normality I long for has to do with reading signs and being led by them to the right way, not misled. It also means to me a state in which my acts and words are subject to minimal levels of misinterpretation. I have been confused by the way my attempts of communication have been failing lately. In a situation of normality, I can communicate quite well.
Things look better, I admit. I should be content. But maybe I am the scalded cat who is afraid of cold water. Maybe I can really see through a thin layer of normality wrapping a world of turmoil ready to erupt. I don't know. People look at my situation and say that the tide has turned. I still don't share their confidence. I need concrete indications of those changes, not just statements about them. I might be incurring into impatience. I want so much to believe that many pages in the book were turned, that my home is safe, that my little life can go on without too many earthquakes, still I need some proofs. Maybe I am shallow, but at this moment I am in desperate search of external signs to support my belief on the return of normality. I need proofs, so I can rest my head on the pillow at night and know that no harm is about to happen.
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