Long Goodbyes
I don't know how to word this nicely. I feel rotten today. It is not that it feels gloomy or particularly hopeless. It is just tough. This is Joana's last day here with us. I have been trying to keep a brave front to help her and the kids. It is not easy. She's been here with us for 15 years, that is, longer than my marriage (which lasted 14 years). She's used to us, I am used to her, and now unsociable me has to get used to Dora, my grandmother's maid, which certainly is nice enough. Nothing particularly terrible, it is just that it is one more goodbye to say. And I have been saying a lot of them lately.
Goodbyes are necessary. I am happy that I was able to leave work intempestively one tuesday a few weeks ago, before grandma went to surgery. I am happy I was able to chat and kiss her front as the nurses took her to the operation theater. I didn't have that chance with my other old folks. They just left us too fast. Okay, there was my great grandmother, an admirable and energetic short woman who raised three kids by herself after becoming a widow in her early 20s. She gave me a birthday present in May. My birthday is in August. I asked her why the hurry, and she said she wouldn't be there for my 15th birthday. She was 89 then and left us a few days later, on her own free will.
I don't mean to sound sad or depressed, bc I am not anything like that. I am more tired right now, so far sucessfully using my energies to keep myself together. There will be a goodbye to Joana, and there will be another tough one too right around the corner. The goodbye to my apartment, to my monkeys and butterflies during the day, the crickets and fireflies at night. I know, it is going to be probably the start of a new and better stage of our lives, and that excites me tremendously. I can't wait to move and get done with goodbyes. There are plenty of hellos around the corner. They are thrilling and even a bit scary too, since everything new is always a bit scary and its goodness sometimes take a little while to show.
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