Bitches
Of the archetypes consacrated in the Anglo-American pop culture, like the Cowboy, the Ingenue, the Vamp, the Hardened Man of Action, none I believe is so original, so culturally linked as the Bitch. Let me explain why I mention Anglo-American pop culture. I don't think there are better examples of perfect bitches than the protagonists of that TV show Absolutely Fabulous. To my foreign eyes, it is fascinating to notice the glorification of the bitches seen in movies and TV sitcoms. In Portuguese, we don't have an equivalent word for that. Sometimes it seems to be fit to employ the word "perua" (literally female turkey) for such character, but it is not precise enough, since it describes more of the look of a exaggerated dressed woman than her character and attitudes.
It is not that we don't have bitches in Brazil. We do abound on them. We could probably make good money exporting them to where they are sadly a rare item in the market, like the highlands of Tibet, the Canadian tundra, and the sandy plains of the Sahara desert (have you ever heard of a bitch hanging around a Tibetan monastery? Well, at least I haven't). It is just that they so far haven't been acknowledged here as a cathegory. So I am trying to compile here a few universal variations of bitches to make things clearer in my mind. I am using the pronoun "she" to describe them, but of course, there are bitches of all genders. Please, feel free to add your contribution.
The Classic Bitch - I would describe as such the ones who take pride in their bitching condition by being ever unable to say something poisonless or doing anything that will not be profitable to their own interests. If movies are to be trusted, they usually comes in shiny, over made up models. The good thing about them is that they are pretty easy to spot (and avoid), as they keep reaffirming their status to the world. Some are pretty funny to be around. For a while. At least while you are not their preferred victim.
The Sunny Bitch - I have met this tipe in the work environment. They seem to be quite proficuous in more enclosed neighborhoods too. It is the positive attitude chap who bring you a cup of coffee to your table, chat about life in general, get precious information, and always smiling, goes to your boss office and tells him that, poor you, you are having so much trouble doing this and that these days. Poor you, should be relieved of some of your work load and do something more mechanical for a spell. And she, so helpful, will be elated to help you at this moment of trouble by taking your cover story from where stands and finishing it. And you might even get a (minor) credit for helping her.
The Backbiting Bitch - it is a variation of the Sunny type. But she is not so smiling, and she gets spotted much easier. Still she is capable of lots of damage when she feels the urge. This one grumbles and growls, nobody has lots of patience with her, but the message sometimes sticks to other people's ears
The Bitch-with-a-heart-of-gold - This one says what she thinks at the time she pleases, which most often is not exactly the time you consider proper for someone to proclaim, for instance, that your ex-husband is an asshole. Well, he certainly might be, but maybe it wouldn't be the best policy to make this kind of declaration at his great grand aunt memorial service, at the cumpliments line, and in a tone loud enough to be heard from Rio to Singapore. It is usually Brutal Honesty at its loudest. But, oh boy, sometimes it can be damn good to have someone saying such things.
The Double Personality Bitch - It is the one who is capable of saying nasty things about youi, on your back and then has moments of apparent regret, and goes to the same people and say what a great person you are. The worst kind is the one who seems to have conscience crisis, and is found late in the evening hugging a bottle of hard liquor, moaning about horrible things she did to you, while a stray dog licks her face. This kind of bitch ends up with people being sorry for her. And the damage she did to your reputation is done, and will stay there.
The Self Righteous Bitch - The bitch with a reason. It is not a rare type, unfortunately. It is the one who thinks she has the acquired right to have things done exactly the way she considers it should be done, and feel rightfully offended when the least detail doesn't happen precisely when it should. Her reasons can be multifaceted. She worked hard to get where she is. She is the most proeminent personality in the block. She had measles in her young years. She is a well of wisdom and experience. She has a particularly delicate nature and demands, when she visits you, that the living room has to be kept at precisely 65.4 F temperature, otherwise, she will take this as a personal threat to her health. And dinner should be served exactly at the time she demands for she needs exactly three hours and 23 minutes to metabolize her food before going to bed. On the next day, she will comment in an offended tone to others how she was never so poorly treated in her whole life, and how little consideration you showed, and that she will never ever put her feet on your house again, that is, till the next time you are silly enough to invite her, for she will never lose a bitching opportunity like this.
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