Secret identity
Today, I didn't win and I didn't lose. Mostly, I let my mind roam without restraints. One thing I came to realize today, as I walked in and out stores, was that my self-imposed isolation has been useful so far. I feel more in touch with my feelings, ugly and beautiful. I don't laugh if I don't feel like doing it, I don't try to be witty or funny, I don't try to please. It's nobody's fault, but I have this uncontrollable tendency to mask my own emotions with a laughing face. I may be bleeding, still I make jokes. I may be crumbling, still I feel almost the obligation to be light and spirited. This became a vice, looking one way to the outside world and another one, completely different, to myself. So much that I can't really blame people for their surprise and unbelief when I announce that I am hurting. Even people I used to think as close enough to really see me.
4 Comments:
i stumbled into yr blog and found it quite interesting. i know how it feels...masking one's feelings with laughter. been doing it for 12 years. now i'm just trying to find a way out. i want certain people to know that i'm hurting. in return for pathetically blurting out my innermost secret i expect some comfort in return.
nothing as interesting as yours...i deleted my blog twice prior to the present one coz it sounded pathetic. i was swimming in an ocean of self-pity and couldnt bring myself to come ashore..until recently. but do visit: bibimisbah.blogspot.com. it's called my doppelganger and i!!!!
Mademoiselle...
Why are you so beautiful inside and nobody can see it?
You speak such words... pain so subtle and beautiful.
I hope Love will find you; you are so worthy of it.
bibi and fleur, thank you both for your words. I started this blog as a way of getting in touch with my own feelings, and I get surprised and happy when I discover that there are people that can identify with my words or appreciate them.
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